They Build Buildings

I don't really know what I want this blog to be. Just a place where I can write about my thoughts I suppose, I don't think of myself as a very good writer but writing is a way of releasing something that you might hold on to. Personally I never talk about things with people, so a blog is a way for me to get my annoyances out of the way without having to deal with them properly. I don't like to talk about feelings and I don't enjoy arguing with people so I deal with things in my own way. That's why you might see some angry posts from time to time, but I'm a rather happy person so don't expect me to blog about bitter and sad things all the time...

Anyway, yesterday a friend of mine told me I get weirder and weirder everytime we talk. I've been thinking about this and, even though most people get less weird the older they get, I get more weird. Because I'm starting to go my own way more than I have earlier, I've always been a strange person but when I was younger I wanted to be like everybody else, I was also painfully shy and didn't have the guts to stand on my own. So I hid my weirdness and became this gray person who just agreed to everything and then I got upset when people used me but what did I expect? I kept giving people what they wanted, of course they were going to take advantage. That was is middle school, when I got to seventh grade my classmates and friends started drinking and partying and this wasn't something I wanted to do so I kept making lame excuses as to why I couldn't come to that party or why I couldn't drink or smoke. (I remember one time I told someone that my dad could smell alcohol from a miles distance because he used to be a cop. None of which is true, and I always blamed my non-smoking habits on my asthma.)

Of course, because I didn't want to do any of the stuff they wanted me to do and I was incredibly shy, all of my "friends" stopped hanging out with me. I wasn't "cool" enough and they couldn't be seen with me, obviously. I was sad and alone for a bit but I noticed that I didn't really mind being on my own, I dind't mind not hanging out with them. I loved doing what I wanted for once in my life, everytime there was a choice to be made in PE, if you wanted to take a long walk or go curling I could choose for myself what I wanted to do and by doing this I found out just how weird I am. In photography class I made friends with this amazing girl and we had so much fun all through that year, and the summer of 2004 was a great one.

Since then I've always tried to do what feels right, I've always been interested in music and theatre but I never dared to step up and do something. This is why when people ask me "How long have you done this?" I can't say "I've always done this really." Or something equally cheesy, I can only say "Since 2005 when I had the guts to admit to myself I was good."

We have this thing in Sweden called "Jantelagen" where you're not supposed to be different, we're stamped with this all through school. We're not supposed to be better than anyone else, we're supposed to be the same. So in school the smart kids get less help with assignments because the slower kids will catch up and everyone will be the same. (I'm pretty sure the real goal is to make us look the same too, we'll just be a bunch of pale blondes with average intelligence walking around looking pretty.) Actors and singers aren't appreciated here, because we're generally quite strange and we're supposed to think we're good. What's the point of doing it if you don't believe in yourself?

Trying something new...

I've done some blogging before, earlier in my days, but I've always been on wordpress. So now I'm trying something else out, because wordpress isn't really working for me anymore... I realize now that maybe this isn't going to work either because I'm used to my widgets now, I'll have to understand the page I suppose.

Jumping into the blog universe once again then, or the blogiverse as I like to call it. Because that's the kind of person I am, a word-maker-upper, although now that I think about it I'm not entirely certain I made that word up or if I heard it from someone else... probably doesn't matter though, does it? Oh whatever, I'm going to try and find some widgets that I like so have a good thursday people, or friday depending on where you are.